1. Hold your breath.
2. See if you can get your heart to race and your blood to speed up.
3. Let your hands shake.
4. Now let them tremble.
5. Ignore the look you just got. It wasn’t hostile. No one is against you
6. Seriously, no one is against you.
7. Anyway, fuck them.
8. Make an inventory of your primary emotions.
9. Stop when you’re involved in one of these emotions so that you’re convinced this is how you’ve always felt and always will feel – always.
10. Pick up the text.
11. Put it down.
12. Pick up the catalogue card.
13. Put it down.
14. Hold your breath again. But this time really hold it. Feel it in your ribs.
15. This is desire.
16. This is what desire feels like.
17. Read the text.
18. Find a few words to say under your breath.
19. Say those words.
20. Move your lips.
21. Just the smallest sound escapes.
22. It’s ok that you feel some heat in your cheeks. Whispering to yourself makes you looks self-dramatizing. It’s ok.
23. Look at the index card again. Let it seem inadequate, but don’t put your finger on what’s missing, yet.
24. Back to the text. Why do you have this text? Why on earth did you pick this one?
25. Well?
26. Shift in your seat.
27. Have a memory.
28. Shift in your seat again.
29. Consider then condemn vandalism.
30. Back to the text.
31. What a stupid piece of text.
32. Back to the card.
33. The card should be altered.
34. The card should be improved.
35. The card didn’t know what you wanted.
36. The card never knows what you want.
37. Open the envelope.
38. Put the contents of the envelope on the table.
39. Can you use these to improve the card?
40. Try.
41. If something feels like it’s working, keep doing it.
42. Go back to the text.
43. Does improving the card improve the text?
44. Transform the card so it transforms the text into something you want.
45. You can do it.
46. I know you can.
47. I…
48. If you don’t know what you want, I can’t…
49. …
50. Do you know what you want?
51. Breathe normally.
52. It’s ok.
53. Go back to the card.
54. Go back to the text.
55. Are you satisfied?
56. If yes, return to the librarian with your materials.
57. If no, return to step 1. Repeat until you find what you’re looking for, or until you genuinely can’t go on.
